Road kill, does it make a good gift?
by I'm Already Dead
Summary: This is a story about Tidus, you'll just have to read it to find out...R & R! CHAPTER THREE! Rated for language.
1. Default Chapter

Hello, hoping to attract your (My readers) attention, I have made this silly little fic. And if anybody that reads some of my other stories reads this, I have to let you know something: Lately, with selected stories I have updated they don't appear on the list. Don't ask me why, I'm hoping it's a technical error and will pass shortly. But, if anybody wants to read, "The purple rose" or, "Things we keep inside". You'll have to check my profile, I made some pretty big updates on those two stories.  
  
On with the fic!  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any writes to this game, or the characters in it.  
  
  
  
One fine day, Tidus was walking along the path in Besaid forest. He was whistling happily when he noticed Wakka come up behind him. He waved his arm, greeting his friend joyously, but for some reason he ignored him, and began to walk away. Tidus then tried yelling, "Hey Wakka! Come back!" He said excitedly.  
  
Wakka turned around and shrugged, "I can't talk now…I uh…have to do something…bye, ya?!" he said, and scurried off in the opposite direction of Tidus.  
  
"What? Why do you have to go?" Tidus asked, but it was too late, Wakka had vanished off into the woods.  
  
Tidus was confused, why did his friend leave without an explanation. Tidus shrugged, "I guess he just needs to be alone…I know how he feels, I'll talk to him later."  
  
  
  
Tidus was quick to forget about the short-lived visit from his friend. He started singing, and dancing as he walked through the woods. Then, all of a sudden, he slipped on something; sending him onto his ass. He growled, "Arghh! Who the fuck put this here?!" he said to himself as he sat there. A pig pile of shit was lying on the ground; Tidus got on his feet and inspected it. He studied the texture and size, then it hit him, "This isn't shit, it's a dead animal!" he exclaimed. He took a stick from the ground and poked it, "Yep, this is definitely fresh. I should bring it back as a gift for Yuna!" he said to himself excitedly.  
  
He picked the little animal up by the tail, and slung it over his shoulder.  
  
  
  
Half way through the woods, he noticed Rikku, with an unlikely match. Auron. At first, he was pretty confused at seeing them together, but after a minute or two of seeing them kiss, and playfully shove each other; he came to one conclusion, "They're into each other, their going to have a baby one day!" Tidus exclaimed. His discovery made them both jump at the sudden explosive energy that he'd just displayed. They quickly separated themselves from each other, and said at the same time, "Tidus, what the hell are you doing over here?"  
  
He shrugged, "I dunno, I'm just bringing this dead animal back to the village as a gift for Yuna." He told them.  
  
They both walked up to him to inspect the dead animal, they looked at him like he was an idiot. Auron said, "Do you seriously think that this is an appropriate gift for a lady?" he asked as he eyed it suspiciously.  
  
"Yeah," Rikku added, "I wouldn't want a dead animal. What gave you the idea that Yuna would want one?"  
  
Tidus sighed longingly, "My dad…he always gave my mother dead animals for her birthday…." He said reminiscently.  
  
"You mean 'Fur coats'." Auron corrected.  
  
Tidus looked annoyed, "No! He brought her back road kill from the streets!" he exclaimed. "You think I'm the only guy that does this for his special lady?!" Tidus added.  
  
Rikku sighed, "You know what I think? I think that you and your pappa are both loony if ya think any woman wants road kill for her birthday."  
  
"Well that's just not true! Look at this…who couldn't see this as beautiful?" he said, gesturing to the animal's body, showing them the open cut someone had made in it's abdomen, and how the fur looked exquisite around his shoulders. They both looked at him with disgust. Tidus twirled around with it on his shoulders, smiling and waving, you know, acting model like. Auron puked up his breakfast, Rikku caught it before it hit the ground with her mouth, eating it down like a good girl. (I don't hate Rikku, she's just fun to diss.)  
  
This time it was Tidus' turn to look disgusted, "Eww…How can you do something so nasty?!" he asked, holding his hands over his mouth to prevent himself from vomiting.  
  
Rikku ignored him, and Auron pulled her into a big kiss! No joke, they were going at it like crazy. After sharing each other's saliva, they wiped their mouths clean and had a good old time seeing the look on Tidus' face. When Auron put his hand on her ass, Tidus began to run like the wind, as fast as he could to get the hell away from them.  
  
  
  
In his daring escape, Tidus found himself trapped by a big…blue…animal! No, it was just Kimahri. Kimahri smiled just like the first time he did in the Mihen highroads. Tidus tried to smile back and be polite, but the foul stench of Kimahri's ass was making it a hard task for him. Tidus heard an almost impossible sound to hear, swoosh! He covered his nose and started to gag on the fumes that were being transmitted in his direction.  
  
Kimahri smiled and said, "Guess Kimahri had too many beans this morning."  
  
"Uhh….oh, it's killing my brain cells!" Tidus exclaimed.  
  
Kimahri frowned, "In Kimahri home land, passing gas mean you like someone. Kimahri like you, don't you see? Kimahri wants you be his bitch." He told Tidus with a sexy grin on his face.  
  
Tidus backed away, "No, no! Get away from me!" he screamed in horror.  
  
"What matter with you? Kimahri is very gentle lover. Is it first time for you?" he asked, a touch of concern showing in his growl like voice.  
  
"Uh…Yeah. I don't like you that way Kimahri!" he shouted.  
  
"Kimahri like you so much, it make up for your lack of love for him."  
  
"Ahhh! I'm out of here!" Tidus ran away as fast as he could, leaving Kimahri in the dust.  
  
"Wait! Come back, Kimahri promise he be gentle on you!" he yelled after him.  
  
Tidus had quit short of breath at the dock, what he saw there was just plain scary. A Besaid fisherman was licking one of his fish, in a way that was unacceptable. He ran his tongue along the bass' dead fish body, caressing it lovingly. Tidus turned his head and vomited.  
  
  
  
OMFG! Tell me how crazy and stupid that was. I was feeling spontaneous, sorry if this story made you feel sick in any way. But, if it made you feel sick in a good way then review please! 


	2. Fishy business

I'm back with the second chapter. I hope everyone enjoyed the last one, because it could go insane from here. Oh, btw, this chapter is dedicated to Sarmina Yin AKA Bitchy edea. Read her "FFX my way", it's so funny, you'll laugh your ass off! R & R!  
  
  
  
Tidus was confused at what his eyes were seeing at the Dock. Sure, it appeared to be a man getting friendly with a dead fish. But, what if there was a reason behind it, maybe it had something to do with his religion? All of this thinking was hurting Tidus' head, he snatched a bottle of gatoraid off the boat, for it had been conveniently placed there. He took a big swig out of the bottle, and then he started to choke. "Ack! Cough, cough, blah!" He spit it out onto the floor. He threw the bottle to the ground angrily! "What do they put in this stuff? I could've died just now!" he said, sounding shocked. Then he remembered what he was going to do, "Oh yeah! I'm gonna ask that man why he does that with his fish!"  
  
So, he trotted over to the man, unaware that the man was evil, and would kill anyone that disturbed him while he kissed his prized possession. His fish.  
  
Tidus approached the man rudely, by waving and screaming, "Hi! I want to talk to you, tell me why you love a fish?!" he asked excitedly.  
  
The man removed his mouth from the fish's body, and looked up to see Tidus, smiling like an idiot.  
  
"Who dares disturb me?!" he growled.  
  
Tidus played along with the guy's accent, "It is me, Tidus!" he exclaimed.  
  
"Har, har, har. Do you really expect me to believe that you are the one and only Tidus?" he scoffed.  
  
Tidus frowned, "I am! Look at me…who else do you know that looks this hot, and this stupid?!" he stated proudly.  
  
The man scratched his head, "Well, you got me there. I've never met anyone that brags about being ignorant and…" he giggled, "So very pretty you are, my love."  
  
Tidus expression turned happy, then scared. "You think I'm pretty? The same as I want to fuck you pretty? Or like, I'm a guy you're a guy, I like your style pretty?" he asked confusedly.  
  
The man shook his head, "No, no, no…I mean I think you look tasty pretty…" he paused, "Like this fish here, she's pretty. Like you, no?" he asked with a dirty grin on his unshaven face.  
  
Tidus felt offended, he felt like tearing this guy's head right off. "Listen! I look way fuckin' better than some stinky fish!" Tidus shouted at the man. "Who do you think you are? You stupid, lying, idiotic, man loving, fish licking, son of a bitch!" he growled.  
  
The man simply laughed, "Me, all of those foul things you've just said? Oh, look at the time! I must be going, I have church today!" he announced.  
  
Tidus sighed, "You think that I don't know that you're chickening out on me?"  
  
"I'm afraid I am not. For I have much tea to drink with the masters of this fine village. Tootles!" he said as he skipped off towards the town.  
  
  
  
Tidus felt sadness sting his eyes; he covered his face with his hands and started to cry for no apparent reason. He started screaming things like, "The world hates me! Daddy died, mommy died…when will you take me as well?!" he screamed into the distance.  
  
Then he heard a voice, a pretty voice. "What's wrong, lad?" Donna the skank asked.  
  
He turned his head in the direction of the sound, "Uh…everyone leaves me…nobody cares about me…I want to drop off the face of the earth!" he cried.  
  
Donna put her arms around Tidus' shaking shoulders, "Shh…it's ok, my darling. Why did you continue to follow lady Yuna if you felt this distressed?" she asked as she stroked his silky blond hair.  
  
Tidus looked up into her eyes, "Umm…do you like me or something? You have your hand on my thigh." Tidus pointed out.  
  
She removed it quickly, "No, no, no my child. I wish to care for you, like- ." Tidus cut her off, "Like the time you pushed me into the trials to get Yuna in trouble?!"  
  
"I was not responsible for such a foul deed! You little asshole!" she retorted.  
  
"I'm leaving! I don't have to listen to a skanky lady like you!" Tidus shouted and ran away.  
  
Donna picked something off the ground, "Hmm…Wait! You forgot your little condoms! Let's see here, what size are these… 'Little warrior condoms'." Donna scoffed, "So this is why that company stayed in business. This little man was buying these little dick rubbers!" she laughed.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, Yuna was sitting with Lulu in a hut. They were having a nice discussion about who's breasts were larger. (Like it wasn't obvious or something.)  
  
Lulu glanced at Yuna's chest and laughed, "You think those miniature marshmallow's even come close to my rack?" she sneered.  
  
"Just because they don't fall out of my shirt doesn't mean that they're worse than yours." Yuna replied.  
  
Lulu gulped down a beer, "Yeah, whatever you say bitch. Just remember that I'll always look a hell of a lot better than you." Lulu said cruelly.  
  
Yuna started to cry, "Shut up! Who do you think that you are? Talking to me like I'm some…some little pillow target for you to attack when you feel like your going to explode from all of the anger that you have pent up inside of your soul!" Yuna was now gasping for breath, she reached for her inhaler.  
  
"At least I can speak properly, here let me talk like you… 'I…love you…Tidus…please…give me your…love…in return…'" Lulu laughed.  
  
"Ahh! I can't…take it anymore! I'm leaving…you whore…!" Yuna screamed as she ran away.  
  
"Ha, must've really got to her. But who did she think she was fooling? Everyone knows my boobies are prettier than hers." Lulu smiled. "And I bet she thinks she's a good summoner. Well, she would've sucked ass if it weren't for my superior coaching. How ungrateful she is." Lulu grabbed another beer and drank herself to death! (Not for real, she just passed out.)  
  
  
  
That's the end of chapter two. Review please, tell me how crazy this thing is. 


	3. Tidus feeling sad :(

Hi Readers! Enjoy this chapter of my insane fic!  
  
  
  
Tidus was running as fast as he could to get away from Donna. He felt sadness creep up on him again. "How could she just say those things about my dick? Just because I have small guy condoms doesn't mean I have a tiny little." Tidus trailed off. He wiped his eyes angrily, and then he remembered that he had to give Yuna the present he'd found for her earlier that day. The Road kill, it smelt awful from sitting in Tidus' backpack for a couple of hours. He tolerated it anyway; he was much too preoccupied with his tears at the moment to worry about it. Soon he had made it to a clearing. It seemed like the perfect place to take a nap, or just plain hide from your friends, which seemed like a fine idea to him at the time.  
  
He sat himself down on a log. He thought for a minute about what it'd be like if he'd just be strong for a change and not let things make him cry all of the time. "But that's impossible! I'll never be a man, I'll always cry like a little girl when people hurt me. because I am one!" he shrieked hopelessly to himself. Then a thought crossed his mind; Yuna will love me even if I'm a moron! She doesn't care about big macho men, she wants a sensitive guy, that'll care about her. Then his thoughts went to another subject. Auron and Rikku's weird relationship. He thought, geeze, those two will never last. Look at 'em, they eat each other's puke, it wouldn't surprise me if they've done even weirder things than that. Then he imagined them on a bed, doing sick disgusting things! Tidus held his head as if in pain from the mental images.  
  
Tidus hit himself in the chest! He told himself to be a man and to stop crying about worthless shit. He picked up the road kill he'd found for his one and only special lady. It's eyes were sunk in and it's fur was beginning to stink horribly. The he began to think to himself, would she really like this icky thing for a gift? I mean, just looking at it makes me want to puke up my breakfast.  
  
He remembered breakfast as if he'd just had it yesterday morning. Baked worm pie, fish pockets, and delicious coconut juice. "Awww. why can't I have breakfast anytime of day?" he asked himself. He remembered the adds on TV when he was in Zanarkand. Pancakes, all day any time of day, for just $3.00! What a deal! "Damn," he said, "This place sucks. When I said that stuff to Yuna in the lake I really wanted it all." he paused, "I wanna go home! Mommy save me from this rotten place, nobody loves me here, nobody!" he shrieked to himself. What about Yuna? His conscious reminded him. He smiled crazily, "I want to meet Yuna! In our special place.wherever that is." He said to himself.  
  
He glanced down at the road kill by his side on the log. It was looking nasty as hell! But, he picked it up anyway, he slung it over his shoulder and began to walk once more.  
  
  
  
Tidus was just closing in on the town when Wakka jumped out of nowhere and screamed, "Where have you been Tidus? Banging yourself against a tree, ya?" Wakka asked, a slight grin on his unshaven face. "Hell no!" Tidus answered quickly. Wakka's smile grew wider, "Uh-huh, you can tell me Tidus, I know anyway. Did the squirrel bite your dick this time, ya?" Wakka asked, as he nudged Tidus playfully. Tidus blushed. He turned his face away from Wakka's, and started to whistle calmly.  
  
Wakka noticed the dead animal slung over Tidus' shoulder. A large smile appeared on Wakka's face, "You brought dinner, eh Tidus?" Tidus stopped whistling quickly, "Heck no man! This is a gift for Yuna!" Wakka started to laugh uncontrollably, "Are. you trying to. tell me that food is a gift?" Tidus nodded, "You bet. Think she'll like it? And it isn't food." Wakka answered while still laughing, "Oh hell yeah! She loves that animal's meat a lot!" Tidus growled, "I told you that it wasn't a fricken meal! She's going to wear it around her neck, you moron!" Tidus yelled. Wakka calmed down a little, "Oh. um. I think she'll hate it then. Yuna's a huge meat eater, she doesn't like to wear fur, says it's bad and against her religion." Tidus' jaw dropped, "How on earth can she eat meat like a pig and have it be worse to wear the animal around her neck?" he asked skeptically. Wakka grinned, "I'm screwing with your head! Just don't say anything dumb, you have to promise me, ya?" Tidus nodded happily, "You bet man, I'll be suave and cool, there'll be no way she could possibly resist this gift!" Tidus exclaimed. "Whatever moron, just don't embarrass me, ya?" "No prob." He said, "Hey! Did I ever tell you how pretty I think your hair is?" "No." "I think it looks beautiful, "Tidus began, "Like a fire that got trapped on top of your head. It's trapped! And you'll never be able to put I out! Isn't that just amazing? I think so!" Tidus exclaimed. "Whatever. um, thanks bud." "No prob. Let's go to the hut now!" "Ok," Wakka replied.  
  
  
  
That's it for now. Review please! 


End file.
